Hmm...

~Blank page was all the rage~

Miths: "Hey, I know those words!"

Me: "Of course you do."

Mithswaw. A name that has stuck on me since "The Fall", as I would call it. The end of something wonderful and the start of another. There was another name that I was called by... and that was Bahmát. He was, and still is, most of my desires.. of what I would and can become. The inner hero that most of us have in us. While everyone had superheros to look up to and to mimic... I made my own, with his own twists and turns in life that mayhap mimic my own and it grew into something that I am still pretty proud of now. But, as I grew older, the less I had in common with my creation. Although, I had created another... another that would mimic me, in every way.. and one that would grow as I grew. That would be Mithswaw... the name of my muse, the voice of my creativity... the one that connects everything. I think, sometime in my late teens, when my angst was slowly going, I subconsciously made Miths... for a time when I would need angst to further my stories, but just for the pure enjoyment out of it.

People have asked me what 'Mithswaw' means. I've always said 'It's just a name.' Which is the truth. That is all they need to know, because they aren't people I usually trust personal information about. Mithswaw is my muse... the embodiment of my happiness in life, through its ups and downs. And he loves to play games, hence him popping up everytime I play one. He's known great sadness.. he's known great love.. he's made mistakes... and he's succeeded as well. But the one thing that makes Miths Miths is that he enjoys life. It doesn't matter what happens, he's enjoyed all of it... and still is. I'm sure there's some psychological mumbo-jumbo about this... but who cares. It keeps me together and I'm thankful for that.

Miths: "You're welcome."
  • Current Music
    They Might Be Giants - Climbing The Walls

(no subject)

So, I had a dream. Whenever I have a dream, I tend to forget many of them till a later date.. Or I remember them pretty well. This one was the latter, as I remember it well.

I was at the house... The one that I lost. I think I was in the living room, where I got up (I think I was sitting) and went to the hall. Once I got to the hall, I realized where I was and started to wonder how I got there and why. So, I started peeking around. Then, I got to the master bedroom, to find my parents there. They were asleep, at least till I got there. I said something to them and they said something back... Then my father reached out to me and I found myself walking down the hall again, away from the bedroom. Next, I see my dog run up to me and greet me, which made me happy. So, out of the hallway, past the kitchen and back to the living room, where the TV is. On the screen was some kind of game, I didn't recognize it, but it was an 8-bit sort of game. And that's where I woke up, staring into that screen.

The parts that made it feel weird wasn't anything that I've said yet. Within my dream, I questioned, to myself, which reality was real. That dream felt real, may it be parts of random memories, it felt different. That screen at the end, I knew it was some sort of portal, to this reality... And when I stared at it, that's when I woke up. And I didn't mention this, but it felt like I laid down, closed my eyes, and then opened them to that dream. And when I stared at that screen, it felt the same way. I can get into all the reasons why I had a dream like this, and some of those reasons might be true or not. It has been on my mind since I had it... And it just makes me feel better that I share, for some reason. Anyways, that's all!
  • Current Music
    Whatever is playing on my iPod

Verse 8

'The best way to live
        is to be like water
For water benefits all things
        and goes against none of them
It provides for all people
        and even cleanses those places
        a man is loath to go
In this way it is just like Tao

Live in accordance with the nature of things:
Build your house on solid ground
Keep your mind still
When giving, be kind
When speaking, be truthful
When ruling, be just
When working, be one-pointed
When acting, remember---timing is everything

One who lives in accordance with nature
        does not go against the way of things
He moves in harmony with the present moment
        always knowing the truth of just what to do'


Mith: "Such simplicity in truth, yet there are so many that can't seem to get it."
Me: "Yeah, I know. I totally agree."

  • Current Music
    '93 aka Don't Stop Now by Lemon Jelly

(no subject)

Y'know... that piano piece from the start of Final Fantasy X.... I really like it.

*and proceeds to rock out* Gotta love The Black Mages.....

Not exactly sure why I started a post here on LJ, but let's see where it takes us.

....

Nope, not really anywhere.. *chuckles* Ah well, I blame it on my tired-ness.

Until next time!
  • Current Music
    'The Skies Above' by The Black Mages

Hm.. been awhile...

Yeah, its been awhile since I came over this way and made a post. Eh, this is practically normal for me... I usually disappear for a couple of years and bam! There I am again! And while there's other places where I can post up stuff... LJ here has always been more of a journal type for me. I use facebook now, but most of the people on there... well, I just don't feel totally trustworthy with.. y'know?  Anyways, updates on my life for those who haven't heard from me in ga-ages!

1: I'm no longer living in the same place anymore, I moved to a much more affordable place... while it has less room, its alright and I'm happy.

2: I can't think of anything else, really. Sure there are circumstances, but eh... not worth the trouble.

I've been thinking of a few ideas... more what-ifs within my story.... *laughs* Amazingly, I still think about it even though its been sooooooo long since I really made any actual progress with it. I guess going to school last year (and the year before) helped me some. I jotted some ideas and actually made some general names into more specific names. Even if this is still mostly in my head, there are things I'd like to expand on. There's so much backstory, I'm not even sure where to begin.... but then beginning at the beginning hasn't really been my way either. Hmm... I know I've lost touch on some of the material and much of the finer points, but that's okay for now. Everything is still in rough draft. One of these days, I'll sit down and actually get a move on it.

Work has been a pain. Changes are fine and it seems that it actually has started to work... but the people I now work with aren't the greatest. I'm in a team now (oh, how I long for the days of just being by myself!) and we get to do a tedious task that is a main component of how things are supposed to work. We have a limited time to do this too... and it doesn't help when a select few in our 'team' either don't care or just want to play and talk all night long or a mixture of the two. Why do you work there if you don't care how things are supposed to go? It's not about following suit, its about making things easier on ourselves... and they just make the job all the tougher simply because they can't work with common sense. On top of that, their attitudes just stink. I'm really just tired of them... not even our other co-workers like how they do things.. and not even management.... and I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut.

On the lighter note of things, I'm going to a TMBG concert in November! They're playing at the Fillmore in SF... so I'm gathering my good ol' friends and we're all going together. I have the tickets already and ready to rock out to some nerdy rock! :D It'll be the second time I'm going to SF this year... the first time I went because I was on vacation.. and went to see Distant Worlds. Which was great! But I somehow felt a bit underdressed... everybody seemed to dress up for that concert (it was at the SF Symphony hall), but at least we weren't the only ones... there were a few cos-players too... as funny as they may seem, I'll give them props for taking the time to get all of that material for whatever character they dressed up as... I know that stuff takes some time to prep and probably costly too.

As I was on vacation, I also went down to LA... to see my cousins, aunts, grandmother and meet up with my sister and family visiting from France. It had been awhile since I went on a proper roadtrip with my sister... and that's all she does really. I find my sister to be strange... like me. It's weird, because we both have the same ideas even if she really doesn't seem to be the type to have them. It seems weird to me, because all this time I thought my sister was different... and closed-minded.... but in fact, its the opposite. Maybe that's why I've always looked up to her... even if, at times, I really didn't want to. Heh. No wonder why my mom was always so worried what my sister thought. *sigh* Our mom knew what she was doing when she raised us... we're both open minded individuals who try to be perfectionists even if it eludes us so. But hey... that's what makes life fun, y'know.

I've been dreaming some strange dreams as of late. Either me trying to get away or something happening. Dreams are always tough to remember.... and my dreams always make me worry to some extent. Hmm.. which reminds me... I need to look back at a certain LJ post I made a few years ago. I still have my deja vu moments from time to time. The future is written by decisions. And the decisions we make are based upon the decisions we've made before. Nothing is perfect... there's always an abnormality. Ah well, we'll see where it takes us.

Hmm. I think that's all I gotta write about, for the moment. Just doing some laundry before I gotta head to bed and go back to work tonight. Been meaning to get back on here... so, here I am! Anyways, hello you peeps and I'll see ya'll later!
 


  • Current Music
    'A Better Future' - David Bowie

hm.

Well, I'm a little annoyed.

Yes, I am fine.
Don't worry about me, please.

Let's just say that I'm being very anti-social and I don't really want contact with anyone at the moment.

Yes, I know you care.

blahblahblah.

Sure, I'll have my bouts of depression. It's who I am.. if I ain't depressed once in awhile, then I can't be my usual happy self. It's all about balancing emotions and try not to be completely oblivious to the other emotions inside of me.

But then again, things aren't normal around here. A giant change happened where I found myself lost.
and I completely blame the sun for it.
I'm not meant to live with the people of the day. I'm so much a night person that its really beginning to show.
And it is this that I'm trying to change. Things aren't normal because I'm on the damnable day shift.
I'm... just sick and tired of people in general. I hate seeing people. I see people practically everyday... random people.
People that won't let me think to myself, people that just bother the shit outta me.. people that test my patience.
And no, its no one from my job... its the damn customers. It makes me wish I had a pet dragon like [GM] Dave that'll let me feed it the retards of the world.

*sigh* Just leave me alone. Why? Cause I don't really wanna snap at people that don't really deserve it. And no, don't think that you can help.
And if you want to call, don't call the house phone. I don't answer that anymore... for many reasons. Only the few have my cell number... and if I gave that to you, you had better not of lost it.

So, if yer wondering why I haven't been my usual self (minus the internet people), thats why.

Don't bother me about it. Thank you and G'night!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, now that mess is over with. Let's see... I haven't posted up here in about 2 months, wow.. @@;

Um.. a few things have happened....... where shall I start? Hmm. Well, there's that whole business about my uncle trying to get me married with his brother's girlfriend so she and her baby can move to the states with citizenship.
Thought that would never happen to me.
I laughed in their faces, because I thought it was the most absurd thing I have ever heard.
Which, could be a factor why I haven't answered most of my phone calls... and no, my phone doesn't tell me who calls, so it just doesn't help.

Hmm, work is well.. work. *chuckles* I can't complain much about it, except that its during the day and dealing with all the stupid customers. Sometimes management gets pretty stupid too, but thats a given, y'know... guess so are the customers.... hmm.. well, I don't deal with that much management to make me despise them.

Oh.. and I've begun the clean up of my room... the horrid room of death. @@; I've always had a pretty messed up room, but lately its been at its worst. So, I decided to clean up a bit. Usually the rest of the house isn't bad, just a few touch ups.... but my room.. well, its just bad. *laughs* So, with the extra time I have when I'm not sleeping or playing the game or doing other things, I clean it up some more. It's tons better now than what it was. ^^

Stuff in the game is going okay. ^^ I've had a few fun moments and finally found something of a worthy income maker, that I enjoy doing. It has less lonely moments in it than it used to, like in the beginning of the year. I'm just glad there's people that make it fun again. ^^ And if there's no one on, then I just move on to other things around the house, instead of staring at my screen. *chuckles*

Hmm, I think thats all I have at the moment. Anyways, take care everyone!
  • Current Music
    Flyin' to Your Heart (Gitaroo Man Song)

*sighs*

It's funny.
How one night music can make you hyper, excited and set to accomplish something.
and how another night, the same music makes you feel depressed.

But, it really isn't the music that's making me depressed.
I think its been the whole last year that's making me depressed.
Stressing on certain things... things that I shouldn't even stress about.
Realizing that the columns that held my strength are gone or missing.
It's moments like these that make me feel truly lonely....
that void inside of me, calling out... but not finding anything out there.
How my own creativity has diminished to a speck of what it used to be.
The things I used to thrive on.... are no longer there.
How depleted my brain has become... and how hungry it has become.

I really don't know what to do.

I don't know.
  • Current Music
    Smashing Pumpkins - I Of The Mourning

hmmm

I have three treasures that I cherish and hold dear
the first is love
the second is moderation
the third is humility
With love one is fearless
With moderation one is abundant
With humility one can fill the highest position
Now if one is fearless but has no love
abundant but has no moderation
rises up but has no humility
Surely he is doomed

Love vanquishes all attackers
It is impregnable in defense
When Heaven wants to protect someone
does it send an army?
No, it protects him with love

------------

hm. *chuckles* Something I've always believed in. In all things, this is part of my foundation of how to live.
  • Current Music
    Koelsch1 - Jurassic Park Concerto for Velociraptor OC ReMix

Nothingness.

Great book. I love this book with its history into old physics to the physics of today.

How strange though. How I would find a book like this.

Heh... a book about me... nothingness.

Not saying that this is bad. No no.. I've always been interested with nothingness...

it just never occured to me that I was, until reading this book.

Empty space, strings and time.

hmm. Funny... reading these science books.... making me understand my own subconscious.

Hm. I can feel it, inside of me. The pull... of something I've always looked at.
something thats always on my mind, whether in the front or in the back of it.
no... its not RP.
no... its not video games...
no... its not sex either.

Everything... everything that I base my stories, my way of living.... it comes from this.
Even music cannot sway me from this, instead it makes me want it more.

And its something I've known for a long time.

What is it? I can't tell you. It's undescribable.
There are no words for it.....

Hm.
  • Current Music
    ares+asrundream [Gackt]

hm.

Now, I type this before going to bed.
Not sure why I'm typing this, I just felt like typing something.

Y'know.. I've noticed online... and offline that people come up to me for advice.
Not that I don't like it... its just that I've noticed it.
I mean, online.. I know I've helped some people.... starting from way back when I first got online.

Offline.. or IRL.. I just started to notice the same.
I guess its always been like that.. considering my best friend always said I was wise beyond my years.
He was the first to notice it.. I never really paid that much attention to it.
And maybe thats why. I don't think about it.. I just let it come to me and help out, with my usual neutral stance.

The only problem is... it doesn't work for me. My own advice... I don't really take heed to it.
That or it just plumb doesn't work on my situations.
But then again, I use other abilities to work out stuff in my life.

Although, that ability has been cut down some... due to stuff in my life.
It's not something I'm willing to let go, so I have put some things in place to have it stay.
Hm. This also explains much of the void I did see after I was 19....
My dreams are coming back to me...

I think I've shut down these parts of my head for a reason....
that reason being work... I had to concentrate.. I had to work for a goal.
And now that I have reached that goal... my senses tell me one thing...
that it's all wrong. This isn't the way I'm supposed to go.
Against the flow... against my flow of life.

I've worked for the wrong thing...
It looks like I lost sight of my own ideals.

There was something I said in the Cavern the other day... or a few weeks ago.
The one of many reasons why I don't RP as much.
Other than not having that certain flare for it any longer,
There was something missing... and that something is
Knowledge.

Working depletes my brain of my intelligence.
And while I can't just stop working... I must do something to keep my brain excersized.
It's more necessary as it was before... I read not just for pleasure..
but to formulate ideas in my head... theories that I once had.

I hated how school was forced upon me.
I hated the expectations that were given to us.
The only thing I didn't hate... was the knowledge.
And all the while, it was slow.
Some of us don't need to go home and do the problems over and over again.
No... some of us, get it right from the start. Please, move on and get over with it.
It's something that I've never liked about school.
And that's another topic for another day.

There are things that I've lost....
And I think this year.. I will try to get them back.
This goes beyond that RP thing... but it is connected to it.
I make no promises about RPing anymore.
Not until my natural flow is fixed.

I guess thats it for now. I need to get to bed.
  • Current Music
    TO - Raptor PlectraSubCity OC ReMix