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Robert (Bahmát)'s Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2010-11-29 19:21
Mood: creative

~Blank page was all the rage~

Miths: "Hey, I know those words!"

Me: "Of course you do."

Mithswaw. A name that has stuck on me since "The Fall", as I would call it. The end of something wonderful and the start of another. There was another name that I was called by... and that was Bahmát. He was, and still is, most of my desires.. of what I would and can become. The inner hero that most of us have in us. While everyone had superheros to look up to and to mimic... I made my own, with his own twists and turns in life that mayhap mimic my own and it grew into something that I am still pretty proud of now. But, as I grew older, the less I had in common with my creation. Although, I had created another... another that would mimic me, in every way.. and one that would grow as I grew. That would be Mithswaw... the name of my muse, the voice of my creativity... the one that connects everything. I think, sometime in my late teens, when my angst was slowly going, I subconsciously made Miths... for a time when I would need angst to further my stories, but just for the pure enjoyment out of it.

People have asked me what 'Mithswaw' means. I've always said 'It's just a name.' Which is the truth. That is all they need to know, because they aren't people I usually trust personal information about. Mithswaw is my muse... the embodiment of my happiness in life, through its ups and downs. And he loves to play games, hence him popping up everytime I play one. He's known great sadness.. he's known great love.. he's made mistakes... and he's succeeded as well. But the one thing that makes Miths Miths is that he enjoys life. It doesn't matter what happens, he's enjoyed all of it... and still is. I'm sure there's some psychological mumbo-jumbo about this... but who cares. It keeps me together and I'm thankful for that.

Miths: "You're welcome."

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Date:2010-02-16 19:43
Mood: contemplative

So, I had a dream. Whenever I have a dream, I tend to forget many of them till a later date.. Or I remember them pretty well. This one was the latter, as I remember it well.

I was at the house... The one that I lost. I think I was in the living room, where I got up (I think I was sitting) and went to the hall. Once I got to the hall, I realized where I was and started to wonder how I got there and why. So, I started peeking around. Then, I got to the master bedroom, to find my parents there. They were asleep, at least till I got there. I said something to them and they said something back... Then my father reached out to me and I found myself walking down the hall again, away from the bedroom. Next, I see my dog run up to me and greet me, which made me happy. So, out of the hallway, past the kitchen and back to the living room, where the TV is. On the screen was some kind of game, I didn't recognize it, but it was an 8-bit sort of game. And that's where I woke up, staring into that screen.

The parts that made it feel weird wasn't anything that I've said yet. Within my dream, I questioned, to myself, which reality was real. That dream felt real, may it be parts of random memories, it felt different. That screen at the end, I knew it was some sort of portal, to this reality... And when I stared at it, that's when I woke up. And I didn't mention this, but it felt like I laid down, closed my eyes, and then opened them to that dream. And when I stared at that screen, it felt the same way. I can get into all the reasons why I had a dream like this, and some of those reasons might be true or not. It has been on my mind since I had it... And it just makes me feel better that I share, for some reason. Anyways, that's all!

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Date:2009-10-17 12:48
Subject:Verse 8
Mood: peaceful

'The best way to live
        is to be like water
For water benefits all things
        and goes against none of them
It provides for all people
        and even cleanses those places
        a man is loath to go
In this way it is just like Tao

Live in accordance with the nature of things:
Build your house on solid ground
Keep your mind still
When giving, be kind
When speaking, be truthful
When ruling, be just
When working, be one-pointed
When acting, remember---timing is everything

One who lives in accordance with nature
        does not go against the way of things
He moves in harmony with the present moment
        always knowing the truth of just what to do'

Mith: "Such simplicity in truth, yet there are so many that can't seem to get it."
Me: "Yeah, I know. I totally agree."

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Date:2009-10-01 11:56
Mood: tired

Y'know... that piano piece from the start of Final Fantasy X.... I really like it.

*and proceeds to rock out* Gotta love The Black Mages.....

Not exactly sure why I started a post here on LJ, but let's see where it takes us.


Nope, not really anywhere.. *chuckles* Ah well, I blame it on my tired-ness.

Until next time!

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Date:2009-09-26 06:29
Subject:Hm.. been awhile...
Mood: calm

Yeah, its been awhile since I came over this way and made a post. Eh, this is practically normal for me... I usually disappear for a couple of years and bam! There I am again! And while there's other places where I can post up stuff... LJ here has always been more of a journal type for me. I use facebook now, but most of the people on there... well, I just don't feel totally trustworthy with.. y'know?  Anyways, updates on my life for those who haven't heard from me in ga-ages!

1: I'm no longer living in the same place anymore, I moved to a much more affordable place... while it has less room, its alright and I'm happy.

2: I can't think of anything else, really. Sure there are circumstances, but eh... not worth the trouble.

I've been thinking of a few ideas... more what-ifs within my story.... *laughs* Amazingly, I still think about it even though its been sooooooo long since I really made any actual progress with it. I guess going to school last year (and the year before) helped me some. I jotted some ideas and actually made some general names into more specific names. Even if this is still mostly in my head, there are things I'd like to expand on. There's so much backstory, I'm not even sure where to begin.... but then beginning at the beginning hasn't really been my way either. Hmm... I know I've lost touch on some of the material and much of the finer points, but that's okay for now. Everything is still in rough draft. One of these days, I'll sit down and actually get a move on it.

Work has been a pain. Changes are fine and it seems that it actually has started to work... but the people I now work with aren't the greatest. I'm in a team now (oh, how I long for the days of just being by myself!) and we get to do a tedious task that is a main component of how things are supposed to work. We have a limited time to do this too... and it doesn't help when a select few in our 'team' either don't care or just want to play and talk all night long or a mixture of the two. Why do you work there if you don't care how things are supposed to go? It's not about following suit, its about making things easier on ourselves... and they just make the job all the tougher simply because they can't work with common sense. On top of that, their attitudes just stink. I'm really just tired of them... not even our other co-workers like how they do things.. and not even management.... and I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut.

On the lighter note of things, I'm going to a TMBG concert in November! They're playing at the Fillmore in SF... so I'm gathering my good ol' friends and we're all going together. I have the tickets already and ready to rock out to some nerdy rock! :D It'll be the second time I'm going to SF this year... the first time I went because I was on vacation.. and went to see Distant Worlds. Which was great! But I somehow felt a bit underdressed... everybody seemed to dress up for that concert (it was at the SF Symphony hall), but at least we weren't the only ones... there were a few cos-players too... as funny as they may seem, I'll give them props for taking the time to get all of that material for whatever character they dressed up as... I know that stuff takes some time to prep and probably costly too.

As I was on vacation, I also went down to LA... to see my cousins, aunts, grandmother and meet up with my sister and family visiting from France. It had been awhile since I went on a proper roadtrip with my sister... and that's all she does really. I find my sister to be strange... like me. It's weird, because we both have the same ideas even if she really doesn't seem to be the type to have them. It seems weird to me, because all this time I thought my sister was different... and closed-minded.... but in fact, its the opposite. Maybe that's why I've always looked up to her... even if, at times, I really didn't want to. Heh. No wonder why my mom was always so worried what my sister thought. *sigh* Our mom knew what she was doing when she raised us... we're both open minded individuals who try to be perfectionists even if it eludes us so. But hey... that's what makes life fun, y'know.

I've been dreaming some strange dreams as of late. Either me trying to get away or something happening. Dreams are always tough to remember.... and my dreams always make me worry to some extent. Hmm.. which reminds me... I need to look back at a certain LJ post I made a few years ago. I still have my deja vu moments from time to time. The future is written by decisions. And the decisions we make are based upon the decisions we've made before. Nothing is perfect... there's always an abnormality. Ah well, we'll see where it takes us.

Hmm. I think that's all I gotta write about, for the moment. Just doing some laundry before I gotta head to bed and go back to work tonight. Been meaning to get back on here... so, here I am! Anyways, hello you peeps and I'll see ya'll later!

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Date:2006-09-23 18:44
Mood: annoyed

Well, I'm a little annoyed.

Yes, I am fine.
Don't worry about me, please.

Let's just say that I'm being very anti-social and I don't really want contact with anyone at the moment.

Yes, I know you care.


Sure, I'll have my bouts of depression. It's who I am.. if I ain't depressed once in awhile, then I can't be my usual happy self. It's all about balancing emotions and try not to be completely oblivious to the other emotions inside of me.

But then again, things aren't normal around here. A giant change happened where I found myself lost.
and I completely blame the sun for it.
I'm not meant to live with the people of the day. I'm so much a night person that its really beginning to show.
And it is this that I'm trying to change. Things aren't normal because I'm on the damnable day shift.
I'm... just sick and tired of people in general. I hate seeing people. I see people practically everyday... random people.
People that won't let me think to myself, people that just bother the shit outta me.. people that test my patience.
And no, its no one from my job... its the damn customers. It makes me wish I had a pet dragon like [GM] Dave that'll let me feed it the retards of the world.

*sigh* Just leave me alone. Why? Cause I don't really wanna snap at people that don't really deserve it. And no, don't think that you can help.
And if you want to call, don't call the house phone. I don't answer that anymore... for many reasons. Only the few have my cell number... and if I gave that to you, you had better not of lost it.

So, if yer wondering why I haven't been my usual self (minus the internet people), thats why.

Don't bother me about it. Thank you and G'night!


Anyways, now that mess is over with. Let's see... I haven't posted up here in about 2 months, wow.. @@;

Um.. a few things have happened....... where shall I start? Hmm. Well, there's that whole business about my uncle trying to get me married with his brother's girlfriend so she and her baby can move to the states with citizenship.
Thought that would never happen to me.
I laughed in their faces, because I thought it was the most absurd thing I have ever heard.
Which, could be a factor why I haven't answered most of my phone calls... and no, my phone doesn't tell me who calls, so it just doesn't help.

Hmm, work is well.. work. *chuckles* I can't complain much about it, except that its during the day and dealing with all the stupid customers. Sometimes management gets pretty stupid too, but thats a given, y'know... guess so are the customers.... hmm.. well, I don't deal with that much management to make me despise them.

Oh.. and I've begun the clean up of my room... the horrid room of death. @@; I've always had a pretty messed up room, but lately its been at its worst. So, I decided to clean up a bit. Usually the rest of the house isn't bad, just a few touch ups.... but my room.. well, its just bad. *laughs* So, with the extra time I have when I'm not sleeping or playing the game or doing other things, I clean it up some more. It's tons better now than what it was. ^^

Stuff in the game is going okay. ^^ I've had a few fun moments and finally found something of a worthy income maker, that I enjoy doing. It has less lonely moments in it than it used to, like in the beginning of the year. I'm just glad there's people that make it fun again. ^^ And if there's no one on, then I just move on to other things around the house, instead of staring at my screen. *chuckles*

Hmm, I think thats all I have at the moment. Anyways, take care everyone!

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Date:2006-07-26 23:38
Subject: *sighs*
Mood: depressed

It's funny.
How one night music can make you hyper, excited and set to accomplish something.
and how another night, the same music makes you feel depressed.

But, it really isn't the music that's making me depressed.
I think its been the whole last year that's making me depressed.
Stressing on certain things... things that I shouldn't even stress about.
Realizing that the columns that held my strength are gone or missing.
It's moments like these that make me feel truly lonely....
that void inside of me, calling out... but not finding anything out there.
How my own creativity has diminished to a speck of what it used to be.
The things I used to thrive on.... are no longer there.
How depleted my brain has become... and how hungry it has become.

I really don't know what to do.

I don't know.

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Date:2006-07-18 00:14
Mood: content

I have three treasures that I cherish and hold dear
the first is love
the second is moderation
the third is humility
With love one is fearless
With moderation one is abundant
With humility one can fill the highest position
Now if one is fearless but has no love
abundant but has no moderation
rises up but has no humility
Surely he is doomed

Love vanquishes all attackers
It is impregnable in defense
When Heaven wants to protect someone
does it send an army?
No, it protects him with love


hm. *chuckles* Something I've always believed in. In all things, this is part of my foundation of how to live.

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Date:2006-07-14 23:52
Mood: creative

Great book. I love this book with its history into old physics to the physics of today.

How strange though. How I would find a book like this.

Heh... a book about me... nothingness.

Not saying that this is bad. No no.. I've always been interested with nothingness...

it just never occured to me that I was, until reading this book.

Empty space, strings and time.

hmm. Funny... reading these science books.... making me understand my own subconscious.

Hm. I can feel it, inside of me. The pull... of something I've always looked at.
something thats always on my mind, whether in the front or in the back of it.
no... its not RP.
no... its not video games...
no... its not sex either.

Everything... everything that I base my stories, my way of living.... it comes from this.
Even music cannot sway me from this, instead it makes me want it more.

And its something I've known for a long time.

What is it? I can't tell you. It's undescribable.
There are no words for it.....


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Date:2006-07-11 00:36
Mood: sleepy

Now, I type this before going to bed.
Not sure why I'm typing this, I just felt like typing something.

Y'know.. I've noticed online... and offline that people come up to me for advice.
Not that I don't like it... its just that I've noticed it.
I mean, online.. I know I've helped some people.... starting from way back when I first got online.

Offline.. or IRL.. I just started to notice the same.
I guess its always been like that.. considering my best friend always said I was wise beyond my years.
He was the first to notice it.. I never really paid that much attention to it.
And maybe thats why. I don't think about it.. I just let it come to me and help out, with my usual neutral stance.

The only problem is... it doesn't work for me. My own advice... I don't really take heed to it.
That or it just plumb doesn't work on my situations.
But then again, I use other abilities to work out stuff in my life.

Although, that ability has been cut down some... due to stuff in my life.
It's not something I'm willing to let go, so I have put some things in place to have it stay.
Hm. This also explains much of the void I did see after I was 19....
My dreams are coming back to me...

I think I've shut down these parts of my head for a reason....
that reason being work... I had to concentrate.. I had to work for a goal.
And now that I have reached that goal... my senses tell me one thing...
that it's all wrong. This isn't the way I'm supposed to go.
Against the flow... against my flow of life.

I've worked for the wrong thing...
It looks like I lost sight of my own ideals.

There was something I said in the Cavern the other day... or a few weeks ago.
The one of many reasons why I don't RP as much.
Other than not having that certain flare for it any longer,
There was something missing... and that something is

Working depletes my brain of my intelligence.
And while I can't just stop working... I must do something to keep my brain excersized.
It's more necessary as it was before... I read not just for pleasure..
but to formulate ideas in my head... theories that I once had.

I hated how school was forced upon me.
I hated the expectations that were given to us.
The only thing I didn't hate... was the knowledge.
And all the while, it was slow.
Some of us don't need to go home and do the problems over and over again.
No... some of us, get it right from the start. Please, move on and get over with it.
It's something that I've never liked about school.
And that's another topic for another day.

There are things that I've lost....
And I think this year.. I will try to get them back.
This goes beyond that RP thing... but it is connected to it.
I make no promises about RPing anymore.
Not until my natural flow is fixed.

I guess thats it for now. I need to get to bed.

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Date:2006-06-06 20:23
Subject:Ebil Dey
Mood: amused

Apparently, today is 6/6/06.

This day would be much funner if it happened years ago.. *laughs* when WBS was still up and everyone still together...
I can see it now... me, being one of the top "goodie-goodies" trying to fend off those players that had evil characters...

Funny how my birthday was the complete opposite of another's who was deemed "evil" XD

In any case, there's only a few more hours left in the day. I worked and I hated work, as usual.
Hmm... it actually has been.. quite a disappointing day.
AtC on the other hand, is festive in the day.. *chuckles* I must say, I like the messages between some of the posts that display evil things going on... like:
"Judy Garland's "Over the rainbow" can be heard wafting from the exposed catacombs. If you venture deeper it gets louder, but the source can't be located."
"The stove in the kitchen smells like someone was cooking meat. There are blood spatters. "

*laughs* the only bad thing about it... and yet I'm completely comfortable with it.... everyone is OOC... the few there are... XD But its really neat... gotta give Felix (the current host) and whomever else worked on that some credit ^^

Disappointing day, but in a tedious way. *chuckles*
Otherwise, nothing much has happened today. Not expecting much to happen anyway. *G* As it should be!

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Date:2006-05-26 08:23
Mood: tired

Let's see. Where to begin.

Since my last update, there's been some good news!
First of all: I finally got a new car! It's a 2006 Scion xB! Yes, I have a box car now, but what matters is that I have a car now and a new one!
So, yeah, I'm pretty happy about that. I like driving around now, it feels great!
The other thing is... a sort of mixture of good and sad feelings.
In FFXI, I'm now the new leader of our linkshell (a guild type community) that I've been apart of practically since I started.
It's sad in a way in how it ended up like this.. but its good cause it needed a change somehow.. and I'm glad that I got nominated and picked to do such a thing XD.
anyways, I'm just a bit tired, since I'm writing this after work n'all. And I don't think I have anything more to say at the moment... soo, until next time!

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Date:2006-05-19 01:50
Subject:on other note...
Mood: contemplative

I finished re-reading Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach...
Yeah, I needed to read this over again. I think I'll reread my Ishmael ones too.
Just to be sure of a few things that I've noticed.

Hmmm... space-time. I'm a firm believer of it.
And something up ahead... I feel a change within the fabric.
Not sure what it is at the moment, but I'll find out... I always do.
.... It's going to be a strange year.

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Date:2006-05-19 01:18
Mood: good

Well, I haven't written in this in a looooong time. *chuckles*
*pokes around* it won't detect music on my new machine. Hm.

Anyways, just writing to say this:

Yesterday (or the day before yesterday now), I had no ride home from work.
So I decided, after an hour trying to get a ride, I'd walk home.
And I trekked 6 miles to home. Made it in one piece with a blister on my left foot, which is currently healing.
As soon as I got home, I showered.

It was the best fucking shower I've ever had.

Umm... other than that, work sucks.

and I think thats all for now... I might update this a bit more, but we'll see.

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Date:2005-07-08 23:51

kinda hit an emotional chord here...


It's a good one. I like it.

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Date:2005-06-20 19:23
Subject:*sings, just cause*
Mood: good

"Some people get up at the break of day
Gotta go to work before it gets too late
Sitting in a car and driving down the road
It ain't the way it has to be

But that's what you do to earn your daily wage
That's the kind of world that we're living in today
Isn't where you wanna be
And isn't what you wanna do

Just give me one more day (one more day)
Give me another night (just another night)
I need a second chance (second chance)
This time I'll get it right (This time I'll get it right)

I'll say it one last time (one last time)
I've got to let you know (I've got to let you know)
I've got to change your mind (I've got to change your mind)
I'll never let you go

You've got to look at life the way it oughta be
Looking at the stars from underneath the tree
There's a world inside and a world out there
With that tv you just don't care

They've got violence, wars and killing too
All shrunk down in a two-foot tube
But out there the world is a beautiful place
With mountains, lakes and the human race
And this is where I wanna be
And this is what I wanna do

Just give me one more day (one more day)
Give me another night (just another night)
I need a second chance (second chance)
This time I'll get it right (This time I'll get it right)

I'll say it one last time (one last time)
I've got to let you know (I've got to let you know)
I've got to change your mind (I've got to change your mind)
I'll never let you go

Just give me one more day (one more day)
Give me another night (just another night)
I need a second chance (second chance)
This time I'll get it right (This time I'll get it right)

I'll say it one last time (one last time)
I've got to let you know (I've got to let you know)
I've got to change your mind (I've got to change your mind)
I'll never let you go"

(look at the "Current Music" to see what song it is)

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Date:2005-05-17 14:01
Mood: amused

Aside from all other things...

I'm pretty amused.. cause Susan did call me last night.
I wasn't expecting her to be calling.
I'm amused cause.. I can't get her voice outta my mind. XD
That damn accent, I love it!

and apparently, I don't have a californian accent... but more arizonian... @_@;

I dunno how that happened! XD
Anyways, gotta go! until another time!

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Date:2005-05-09 01:28
Mood: depressed

*sigh* well, I don't know what to say... so, I guess I'll start at the beginning...

In January, it looked like I was having problems with my site. It seemed like a good idea to change the nuke format completely into a phpbb forum, considering we never used any of nukes other content. I also received an email about the phpbb forums security issue... that it could be hacked into, if it wasn't updated... so, this went more into re-doing the site.

In Feburary... is where everything started to fall apart...
I made a deadly mistake, thinking that I had the backups...
I never thought of checking them out first...
I was stupid enough to erase everything on the website...
I didn't think of changing pathways...

I destroyed my own site. I deleted everything... the backups that I had.. weren't real backups.. they just back upped the script... I didn't find this out till I uploaded phpbb and tried to restore backup... then I went to Wordpad to read what was on the backup.. when there was nothing there, but script... I panicked, felt stupid and cried cause all that work that, not only I.. but everyone that posted... was gone. I felt as if a large chunk was torn out of me... I didn't have the will.. or courage to tell anyone either. For that, I'm deeply sorry... *sigh* I felt terrible. I do have backups.. but really old ones...

In March, I fell from being online.. and I just played my game.. which had problems of its own. The people I played with, I felt like they were... a new generation of "tavern" people. They were friends, and whilst we played, it was like we RP'd. It felt good to be in a community.. and felt better to have friends to play with all the time. We had a semi-static party.. it was four of us. We had jobs that were all essential.. so, all we needed to find were non-essential jobs. You can be picky.. or you can just choose anyone. We.. were picky, even if we didn't want to. Personally, I liked playing the game because we were all buddies..... its just like in an RP chat.. you get a few people you play with for long periods of time.. you were friends, you talked about whatever, OOC..
Well, unfortunately...our little mini-static broke up. By one person.. who talked about us behind our backs.. yet was so very nice in front of us. Double-faced. Not only did she (yes, a she) not do her job... but she took one of my good friends with her... the guy believed her more than us, who we partied since the beginning of our little static. But, he wasn't doing his job either... ever since she came on.. it seems he'd be more distant to us. So, the party splits in half, I called it off after a really bad night of exping. I was mad, and so was my paladin friend... since we died, when we shouldn't have. It was a headache and a half..

On top of that, work was getting difficult... the store was going backwards and not forwards... I was stressed.. and I didn't have anywhere else to go to... I kept playing my game.. doing other stuff.. it felt good not to be tied back either. It might be a good thing.. but it left many of our events bitter.. whent they shouldn't have been.

April... At work, the department that I've been working in, opens up for a dept manager. A job during the day. I applied. In the meanwhile, ever since I took my vacation in March, my dept (which is automotive) took a nose dive. Before vacation, I left it with minimal work to be done. When I came back... it was excessive. I've tried to get it back in shape.. but it seems it wouldn't.. mainly because I work 5 days a week.. and I had to take 2 days off... and whenever I'm OFF... it seems all the work I did for the 5 days, would be ERASED.

It continued... and the more and more I heard that the dept would be mine.. the more and more I got worried, because if it got that bad in a WEEK.. then what happens to it when I'm not on that shift anymore...
And then, after a couple managers pushing... and interviews out of the way..
I got the department.
I moved up.
I work during the day.

My first two days.. and so far, only days... were weird.. and I enjoyed it.
It was at the end of the month... and I had a three day weekend.
Which turned out to be a week in vacation.

On Friday night, my mom got sent to the hospital.
Her color was yellow.. and so her were eyes... they call this "Jonda" I'm not sure how its spelled..

Her liver had failed.
And on Saturday, I found out that it is terminal. Her liver was gone... she's in the hospital...

For awhile there, it seemed that she was doing.. better everyday. She'd get up and talk for awhile.. but she was mostly out of it. Till the other day, her health took a turn for the worst. Yesterday morning, her blood pressure was so low that the nurses didn't know if she would make it. She did... but she's in a lot of pain. They've given her morphine to help with the pain.. and it does help.. for the most part. They've also given her Valium to let her sleep...
At this point.. I'm not sure of anything... I feel worse than I ever have felt before. I don't know if I can take anymore bad falls..

I'm not so depressed that I'll do something rash.. but I think my mental health is going out the door, without an address to write to.
Friends have made me laugh, yes.
so have family.
I can still laugh, at this point.

when I was younger, I said I couldn't look beyond my 25th year... I couldn't see my future...

The hospital my mom went to, is the same one that my dad went to, when he had his first stroke.
The room number my mom is in.. is the same as my dad's birthday.

I should sleep. I need to get up in a few hours.
I work tomorrow... and sure, I can get more offdays, but I wouldn't be paid for 'em.
I'll need the money.

As for the site, I'll get phpbb up and running again (I had it up for a little bit, panicked and deleted it, then reuploaded Nuke)
that is, if you all still want to go there.
I haven't read any of the emails either yet....

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I'm glad I wrote this.. I needed to.

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Date:2005-02-14 12:06
Mood: good

Ahh... Feburary 14th... the day of Valentines.

Hmm... so, am I here to wallow in my despair of being alone on this day..?

Nah. While I do feel lonely, its not anymore than I feel any other day. And I work retail, I see the ugliness to the holiday and makes me want it to not-exist. Remind me to never be a last minute shopper as well. ~_~

Well.. I'm 90% back. Doing what I usually do.. and sitting in front of my computer.... and while "doing a Rob" will be common and ordinary, I wont be doing it just in front of this screen, but the other screen where my game goes on. *snickers* and as well known I am for doing it here, I'm just as well known for doing it there.. *laughs* So, some habits don't die at all.. they just move along with me.

As for the game itself... will I stop playing? Probably not... at least, not any time soon. I find pleasure in what I do in there... and even if my roleplay is missing, I have the same OOC attitude with those people than I do with all of you. I've grown close to them... it was like walking into a new chat room...

But then again, I miss my good old friends who were wondering where the hell I've been! So, for some time now, I pondered how I can get back in my room.. and satisfying myself compared to what I have...

It didn't hit me, until I pondered and tested. See, in the living room, where I have been all this time, we have two TVs.... one that we currently use (and that I played on) and the other that sits there, cause the coaxial in the back twisted off cause those damn screw things were too tight on there... (yeah, I broke it.. ><)

As I've been gone, I've purchased an Xbox... and playing Halo during downtimes of stuff.. or some other game... with Xbox and the Gamecube I already owned... I pondered about hooking it up to the other TV. So, I did.. with that three-wire hook up they usually give you nowadays. And to my amazement, it worked! I was delighted that I can still use the other TV, even if it doesn't have any channels (cause of no antenna for it to hook up to.. XD), which was okay, cause I stopped watching TV awhile ago.

It was only a matter of time before I would take that broken TV to my room.
And sure enough, here I am.

Now that the big stuff is all set up.. I just have to clean up my room a bit... and ta-da... I'm back 100%!
Here, I can listen to my own damn music too.. I've missed my mp3 collection.. ; ;
Plus, I need to update .... well.. A LOT of things.
and I need to start using this 120 GB external HD before this harddrive goes ka-boom!

"Now is a lucky time for you take a chance."
That is what my fortune cookie says.
And maybe it is. Hmm. Anyways, I think thats all I can talk about for now.
*Grins* Sure, I got plenty of things to talk about... but then... what would I have left, huh? *laughs* until later!

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Date:2005-01-25 16:58
Subject:@_@ Long time no see.....
Mood: distressed

Well, its certainly been awhile.

Let me cut to what made me post...

I was sickly the last few days... and ended up staying home from work. I felt really sick, so I stayed in bed and slept.

Well, I had a few unusual dreams... I wouldn't call them nightmares or anything, just strangely bleak.
And well, I always have mixed feelings about what I dream already... this one came to me out of nowhere... because I recognize so little in it.

I dreamt that I was at some sort of house... and I was living in it... with these two other people, I guess they were a couple, I'm not sure. I do know that they had a kid... no older than three.
The house, I've never seen before... it wasn't a corner house, like mine.. but in the middle of the street... it was... sky blue... it wasn't a big house.. and it looked like its been through a lot... and it was in some sort of crummy neighborhood... at least, thats what I can tell...

In this dream, I wasn't sure what my role was... but I was there... and I knew these people... and they were rotten... and mostly towards the child they had...
There was two of me.. one that simply played the role in the dream.. and the one that was watching... me, the dreamer.

What I can't get out of my head is the ending of this dream... where I am outside, doing something.. that guy.. was BBQing or something, then that woman yells and charges outside, semi-screaming and cursing in pain... My role asked if she was okay and this and that...
but me, the dreamer noticed other things.... behind the guy... in some murky, overwatered grass laid the child, unmoving.. almost dead looking...... -I- saw this... but my role did not.
As the woman came outside, she kept transforming into a cat and back human again... not to any of my role's notice.. or if that was normal or what...
Apparently, she got electrocuted a bit by a shortout... which caused a minor fire... The guy gets this great idea.. of burning the house down for insurance... I forget what happens, but he somehow makes the fire worse, and on purpose... while my role either just stares on, just unthinking, or in horror.... until it thinks that the child is inside...
Neither of the other two cared. And my role didn't see the child outside on the overwatered lawn... so, my role bursts into the house, looking for the child... I go to the child's room to find nothing at all.. cept burning stuff...
the dream ends when I hit the garage of the place... I woke up then, feeling strangely odd.. and semi-worried.
The girl seemed gothish... but not all-out... just mainly wearing black.
The guy.... seemed like an asshole and a redneck sort...... just an idiot.
Both were caucasian...
thats about all I remember about them..
I had a dream about work too...

but... thats the strange dream.. what I remember of it.

I don't dream about those kind of things.... which makes me worry a bit.
Mainly, cause of my normal dreams... or my dreams in general.

they usually come true... and I don't realize it till that moment.
I hope this doesn't happen.

-End of Transmission-

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